Memory Musings

Memories can be funny things. An elaborate set up is not needed to travel to the past. A similar name, a random hummed song, a familiar path, a remembered smell can cause a rush of feelings. Repressed stories buried in some corner of the heart are awakened with a jolt. A little ache gnaws the insides as heartstrings are pulled, heartbeats are risen, laughs are heard and secrets are whispered. Each asking for a little more time, a little more attention. Everytime they are played & replayed. The version of how it was & a tiny maybe of how it should have been. They are deliberately put to rest most of times, but ever so gently they are relived with a faint smile or a deep scar

I See Summer

I remember a little purple room

I see a little ray of sunlight streaming like a ribbon through the blurry panes of the old wooden window

I see a sequinned curtain catching the light, throwing billion little rainbows on the wall by its side
I hear the distant sound of a koel cooing post her afternoon nap
I see a lavender wall plastered with old photographs, unmindful sketches, random written phrases & dotted with Harry Potter cut-outs
I see a curved terrace, a myriad of chunris, tied to a cane swing, peacefully billowing in the wind
I hear Euphoria singing Maeri
I feel the warm noon breeze tugging at the hems of my pop green skirt
I hear the girly giggles & laughter of friends tumbling over each other as we play a pillow fight
I feel their hugs and hear their stories as the conversation deepens over mugs of drinking chocolate
I smell musty books as I lean closer to the wooden shelf, I smell the sharp spirit as my toenails are painted red
I smell fresh baked nankatais & shot buns as the neighbourhood bakery opens
I smell sweet tea laced with ginger & cardamom
I hear shrieks & shouts of neighbourhood boys calling for a game of gully cricket
I see my crush clutching his bat, getting ready for a spin ball, I get nudges from my girls as he hits it square
I see a 15 yr old me on a pink cycle – daddy’s birthday gift. I feel sweat, tired from a ride
I see twilight
I see a summer from the memory book, clumsy & innocent just the way I remember

Meant to Be

Maybe we will meet again someday, years later, 10, 15, 20. I won't know you then nor will you recognize me. I'll find you older, you'll find me wiser but beautiful as ever. We will frequent a nearby coffee shop. Giggle like teens while sipping our latte. Look deep into each other's eyes while we talk. We'll walk under falling winter leaves, holding each other. We'll write our names on sand and watch as the waves carry them to the farthest end of ocean. We will sketch our dreams on the new fog settled on the window pane. We will watch the storm rage outside while our bodies find peace wrapped around. We will search for constellations under a starry sky and find shapes in clouds. We will take long rides to paths unknown and get back rich with new tales to tell. We'll reveal our deepest fears and darkest secrets bringing out the worst in us. We'll soothe our insecurities together and make way for love as never before. Then one day you will tell me what you never told the brown eyed girl you loved and lost and I'll tell you what I never told the cheeky smiled boy I always knew was mine. And that day once best friends will fall in love not knowing they were always meant to.

The Line

A girl sleeps on my bed; a stranger with my face. I knew her once but now not sure.
She says she is me, I know she is not.
She meets me at places she is never meant to be, awake with people she never meant to see
Traces of blood beneath her nails, drawn everytime she claws her self
Thriving on destruction, most often her own, calling out my name she says“Don’t hate yourself, you never saw the line you crossed”

Come Home

I miss the winding roads where I rode, do they miss me ? I know not.
They always had people like me. They always loved people like me. We are so similar. Our journey knows no end.
Someday when the desire to comply wanes, I might go back there. Once more feel the wind &  rain and in all sense come home.

I am

I am not an angel with a halo overhead

I am not a devil awaiting a tread

I am not love, just a source

And I am not hate, just its cause

I am not a sin, nor virtue, nor salvation

I know not about truth, nor lies

I am not the air that life sustains

Neither do I quench thirst like the rain

I am just a mirage, an illusion, a dream

Search & I’ll be found in every realm.

Fictional Crush Alert

“Oh I simply love Sherlock”. I gushed with blushing cheeks and the excitement of a 14 yr old revealing her first crush, “I Already got 2 Sherlock tees, a hoodie , 2 Sherlock bag badges, 2 Sherlock keychains & God only knows how many wall papers & pictures”

The recipient of my overwhelming confession looked at me like I was some green skinned alien. “Fictional Crush ” she stated & nodded her head gravely. My bestie knew too well about  my crush list, only glitch being they were all Fictional.

So as an avid fan of adventure books my first fictional crush was a natural impulse. Heyyyy......you cannot introduce a girl the Hardy Boys series & blame her for falling for Frank Hardy. Gentlemen trust me; we geeky girls always fall for the silent, sensible guys, looks & charms notwithstanding. And behold the 6 feet 1 inch black haired elder brother managed to ride into my imagination as the thinking man with utter ease. Needless to say I have half the series covered in my book shelf, right from the Hardy Boys mystery series to their case files.

But first crushes are always fickle and I was to realize this soon. Blame it on the age when rebellious tendencies surpass every other sense, or call it the craving for superheroism but this time I was more ambitious with my affections. Mortal men were so passé, we needed something more. Enter the mutants with X Men. I honestly confess my sole interest in genetics was sparked just because of this one cartoon series when Gambit ruled my better judgement for most time. With that attitude, the audacity, not to mention the quintessential bad boy aura....Gambit rocked big time. For almost a year I was glued to TV religiously following X Men till they stopped airing it thus ending the second spell of love in my life.

P.S. Wolverine never was appealing the comic series with his yellow costume; it was only after Hugh Jackman that Wolverine turned droolworthy

This wasnt the end but....soon I was to meet the boy who gave me sleepless nights. Obsession to the extent of muttering & smiling in sleep. I swore eternal, never ending love to this one guy on God knows how many ocassions. No conversation was fun if it didnt involve him & nothing looked good without his round specs....that was the perfect boy .The boy who lived. Harry Potter my entire high school I dedicated to you. I managed to alter my tomboyish ways all thanks to you. I managed an entire wall of your pics,a full scrap book dedicated to you, not to mention I even had a bday cake ordered for you. No prizes for guessing who the proud owner of the entire series is. Sighhhh.....why werent you real?

But wishes were wild horses. Soon school boy’s innocence was replaced with the sheer intrigue of the old world & folks who ruled it. Out of the blue came Lord of the Rings & with it came 2 men - dizzyingly divine & irresistible as sin. King Aragorn & Legolas. Trust me till date I haven’t been able to quite figure out whom I loved the most. If Aragorn had the stoic superiority of the person who knows he can never be wrong then Legolas has the raw impulse of the man who would take the right action irrespective of the consequences. Guess I was caught between two loyalities, one to the King of Men & another to the Prince of Elves. And you really can’t help getting bowled over again when they are played by the Viggo Mortensen & Orlando Bloom in the movies....sighs are in order  

But with age comes the mellowness, there is always a time when you actually think the bravado is always not worth it and all you desire is the intelligent man with whom you can have a brilliant conversation over a mug of hot coffee. What could be better if the same man has a penchant for most interesting symbolisms known to mankind & a terrible affinity to danger? I could never thank Dan Brown enough for bringing Robert Langdon into my life and making me realize the truth of the phase “Knowledge is Virtue” indeed..... indeed.....the fact that Tom Hanks plays him the movies only adds to immense luuvvve

And finally my current obsession SHERLOCK :-* Although this time it’s more the handiwork of the brilliant Benedict Cumberbatch. Words are trivial when it comes to you Sherlock. Like Above & Beyond sings I’ll never get over you. You’ll never get over me (I doubt the latter, but what the heck a girl can dream.........)